These past two years have been the worst and most humbling of my life. I’ve never had to fight so hard or been so weak. There have been moments of bliss and even hope. It’s mostly surrounded by darkness and pain. I’m more scared now than ever before. Being a bit more clear mentally has truly let me assess my current situation. The sad truth is things are falling apart faster than I can put them back together. Literally and figuratively. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make another six months without some kind of major relief. Both medically and financially. Heck I’ll be lucky to make it three at my current rate. Constantly living in fear is no way to live.
That being said… it’s not like I can give up. I’ll keep fighting until the end. Not everything is terrible and I still have good days from time to time. I just wish I had more good days. Minus my cognitive issues my mind wants to go but my body just won’t let it. My body is the worst it’s been in the past two years. I’m praying for some relief soon.
I’ve found ways to still give my life a little meaning and joy. The 3D printing has really lifted my spirits and makes me feel like I still have a purpose. I’m slowly selling off my collection and stuff. The majority of those sales go into savings for survival but every now and then I’ll treat myself to a treat or two. I’m sure one day in the not so distant future it will all have to go. It just gives me a little joy in a currently hellish existence. Lastly but most importantly having all my online friends is the best of all. I honestly couldn’t make it through a day if I didn’t have people that messaged me asking how I am and conversing. Being stuck in this box, unable to go out and do things. People rarely come by so the only conversation and human connection I get is virtually. Out of everything that means the most. I know this may seem silly but those three things keep me going every day and give me strength. They give me some form of normality in a currently terrible existence.
I will be getting back to the blogs (or vlogs maybe) soon hopefully but mostly these days my hands don’t want to work. This morning they are partially working hence the update. My body is a chaotic mess. Currently, my tremors are constant and exhausting. My legs feel weak and movement forced. The pain is at times unbearable. My mind can be a jumbled mess at times. I fight to get through every day. It literally takes all I have, sometimes more. Due to several concerning medical events these past couple weeks… I ended up finally breaking down and scheduling a week of doctors. Four different doctors this week and I’m starting a new medication to “help”. The last three medications tried took me down hard within five days to completely nonfunctional. I always have high hopes but these medications always seem to do more harm than good. Again I pray this one goes better…
With that my hands are now barely moving. Hopefully I’m back on a regular schedule with these updates soon. I just have to get my body a bit better and more under control. I also need to figure out if I’m coming back in text or video… I guess all we can do is wait and see.
Much love everyone ❤