I want to start by apologizing that life got in the way and I couldn’t get a blog out yesterday. Heck I’m barely getting this one out. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so bad physically since the beginning. My mind can only think about my physical problems, pain and my dog being sick. Needless to say things aren’t optimal currently. I’m doing my best which doesn’t seem good enough these days.
I truly am trying my best. I’m sure I sound like a broken record by now. I don’t know what I did to deserve this in life. I’ve always tried to be a good person. Do good things, help others, give back. Life just continues to beat me up without ease. I haven’t lost hope but things are just miserable right now. My body crashes so easy and things are so difficult to do currently. I’ve basically been pushing through getting the basics done to survive but really haven’t been able to leave the couch much in a couple months now. The short couch kinda sucks and is not very comfortable so that makes things worse. I just do the best I can with what I’ve got.
Talked with my neurologist yesterday. She made some adjustments to my medication. She also approved the next medication I’m to try suggested by the medication specialist. A lot of the time I feel like a test subject. It’s like they try to listen and then switch my meds or make adjustments accordingly. In reality it feels like they hear me but don’t and just throw meds at me like a circus game. I think or at least hope they are trying their best but sometimes it’s just difficult to feel that way when I’m suffering so much. I just don’t know what to do besides what they tell me to… so that’s what I do…
Not only have I been on a rollercoaster lately, so has Dart. I can tell he wants to feel good and play but he’s definitely not well. He’s having a problem with his eyes, having some difficulties breathing and eating. I think they are separate problems but problems none the less. He goes to the vet today. So here comes a big bill that I very much can’t afford. Plus we’re out of prescription food so hopefully they help me out and give me a little credit / good faith. The added stress is not helping my medical problems either. All this added stress with my health, docs, meds, lawyers, no income and now Dart being sick is hitting me very hard. With basically no anxiety medication currently I have to manage myself and that’s not always possible. So here’s hoping for good news at the vet this afternoon.
I had a brief conversation with my lawyer. It was the basic stuff, sign these papers, we may have a court date come early summer, etc. The same stuff I’ve been hearing so nothing to get excited about.
I’m so far behind in house work and chores I don’t even want to make a list. Everything seems almost impossible the past few days. I’m so exhausted… it’s always feeling a bit better then feeling horribly worse on repeat. My mind is better and more clear but fracturing due to frustration. For example trying to write the blog today. My hands and fingers are barely moving, cold, numb, tremoring, rigid and in pain. Along with most of my body especially my right side. My head aches and is racing with worry. I’ve had to take multiple breaks just getting this much written out. Life just seems very overwhelming right now. “I won’t give up, I won’t give in and I’ll never loose hope.” I repeat that all day every day trying to keep my focus and push through.
With that, even though I’d love to go longer, my hands are saying no more. So now it’s time to rest before attempting to check a task off the very long list. Thank you for sticking with me during the good, bad and boring. I wish you all great health and a wonderful Tuesday. Much love to everyone!