So here we are two days in a row! I figured I better push this out now before the day gets the better of me. So let’s jump right into it…
Yesterday was a crap show. I got up like normal, took my walk with Dart after feeding him breakfast and taking my medication. After that I wrote the blog and worked on setting up some 3D printing. Got about two thirds done and crashed. Slept for a couple hours. Gave Dart lunch, let him out. Finished setup and started a 3D print. Then I crashed again. Slept until after dinner, woke up ate some soup and then went out to take the prints off the printer. Got those off, talked to my friend for a few min and then off to bed.
That was a quick summary because most of yesterday was sleeping like most days. I was on the couch with the heating pad like normal. I’m still happy and fully support these medication changes but boy does it take a long time to taper off medication and get it out of your system. I’m several years in on one medication that we’re taking away and have had a several bad months testing other medications. Minus the headaches and normal fear and anxiety of insecurity, I’m feeling much better mentally. Still not moving or thinking much faster as I hoped but at least more clear. That’s a huge plus. Like I’ve said my body is going haywire right now trying to adjust. The worst part is not being able to eat much of anything or sleep well. Those two things alone are so terrible. I’m dropping half a pill a week and boy withdrawal is some serious stuff. I’ll be super happy when all this is out of my system. There will be these bliss moments where everything feels ok but most of the time it’s just horrible. I still think we’re moving in a positive and correct direction with this choice. It’s not easy but I’m going to stick it out, work hard, stay positive and maintain that hope.
Speaking of days, let’s talk about the plan for today and see what I actually get done! So this morning I already took my medication, fed Dart and got ready for our walk. Dart is the ONLY thing that gets me up in the mornings. It’s painful, I’m groggy and in a crappy mood usually. As soon as I see his little face my world turns upside down and I’m filled with joy. He’s the last bit of joy currently in my life. We went to head out and the little deck was icy, he and I took a big fall. I of course ignored my own pain to check on him. He was a bit dazed but ok I think. I was just hurting a bit worse than normal, I’m sure I’ll hurt worse later I pulled myself up slowly, got him to safe ground and off we went. I don’t venture far so just a block or two down and back. Then I sat down to write the blog to ensure I got that done. That brings us to now…
The rest of the day… I need to send emails. Find boxes to pack things. Take out the trash and do some laundry. Oil the heater blower to keep it limping along until I can get it repaired. Print two figures for my friend. Shower and prepare for guests tonight. Yes some friends are coming over to keep me company for a couple hours. I’m really looking forward to it. So I assume because my schedule is so full, some things won’t get done. Let’s hope today is fantastic but I’m feeling rough already. I’m gonna push hard and report back tomorrow!
I haven’t been running a fund raiser, just been digging in hard and doing without. I’ll try to start one again next week or something. If I’m depressed about anything, it’s having to beg for donations and support. I’d much rather work for what I have in life. No matter how much I want that it’s just not currently possible. That does make me sad because I loved to work. For better or for worse that is what has defined most of my life. So to loose that ability and to be stuck in this box in my current situation is hell. I pray every day that the doctors get my medication worked out so I can do more. I pray every day that disability will approve me so I can get some breathing room and security. Maybe even try to go back to work or donate my time to helping others in need. I know I’m still useful to society and will be able to do something, I just have to find that thing. Unfortunately in my current position that’s almost impossible. I feel trapped most days just fighting the darkness trying to figure out my path. I know life can get better but will never be the same. I’ll take what I can get because I don’t want to live like this the rest of my life. It’s not sustainable in any way and my times running out fast. So I’m filled with worry doing my best to keep moving forward. The great thing is I got some Boost Shakes yesterday! Who ever visited my Amazon list and got me boost shakes, thank you so much. I was out and not eating so that was fantastic!
With that I’m starting to get tired so I better tackle another task before it’s couch time. Thank you thank you thank you so much for sticking with me. I so very much appreciate you! Much love to everyone!