I know I’ve been slow to update and I apologize for that. I’ve not been feeling very well physically or mentally. The past three weeks have been an extreme struggle and the difficulties don’t seem to be getting any easier but I’m forcing myself to power through it…
I think the primary cause is my medication. We made a change 3 weeks ago and it wasn’t great. As always it started out kind of meh and then started going down hill. About two weeks in, I called the doctors assistant to voice my concerns. She said she would relay the information but to keep going. “Seems like you’re getting all the side effects.” she says, if I remember correctly. Then thinking so keep going? Ok… So I did and it’s not gotten any better. I’m either tired or feel like I’m going to explode inside. Maybe not explode but like there’s a tornado tearing me apart. I feel brief moments of joy surrounded by a lot of worry and negative thoughts. Nothing pertaining to physical harm but still very unhealthy and counter productive. I still have hope but now it’s just a dim glow. My hands haven’t been working well at all and have felt kind of numb. My body aches and tremors. There’s a definite unbalance somewhere. I meet with the doctor tomorrow so here’s hoping a change for the better or at least something.
I also recently lost someone very close to me. I’m not ready to talk about it really. I’m still trying to process and I’m worried for my family. I wish now more than ever I could be with them but even if I had the means I don’t have the ability to travel such a distance in my current state. I miss my family a lot. I wish every day more and more that I could see them.
Without my little dog Dart here to keep me company I’d be stuck in this metal box alone most days. He’s the best and means so much to me. He’s not been feeling well the past two days and it’s got me concerned. My previous vet was being very kind and helping. Now they have sold to a new owner. They are doing their best to help but unfortunately not to the same extent as the previous owner. It leaves me with a whole new problem on top of the growing list I already have. I just pray that he starts feeling better soon. I really can’t afford him to get sick and if I lost him it would be the end of my world. He’ll be 12 this year so he’s getting up there in age and that worries me the most. Out of everything in this world I would sacrifice all I have to be sure the remainder of his life is the best it can be. He already has major back issues, a couple major health issues and is going blind in one eye I think. I can tell he doesn’t feel well a lot but when he does play around a little it brings me so much joy.
I haven’t been able to work the 3D printers, paint or do much else besides sit in my chair or lay in bed. I force myself up for needed tasks. I need to start looking for a heater repair person again, check my ceiling for a leak (new problems), figure out how I’m going to afford prescription dog food, everyday tasks like propane tanks, garbage, laundry and more. To some that’s a easy single days work. For me that’s days of work. I was on a 2 hour call with a doctor yesterday testing my cognitive abilities. After that 2 hours the doctor could tell I was crashing and let me go. I crashed for somewhere between 4 and 6 hours before I could even partially function again. I might make it sound ok sometimes. There are the good days but most days are a battle to not only survive but to even get simple tasks done. It’s frustrating and daunting.
That’s about as far as my hands, body and mind are letting me go today. If you’re still here with me, you are the true hero. I appreciate you all, wish the best for you’re friends and family. Remember, life is short and can be cruel. Be extra nice to someone today. Also call someone you care about that you haven’t talked to in awhile. Remind them that you care, tell the people around you, show your love. Just remember to love life even if it’s rough, because no matter what you think life loves you. AND I do too… much love to you all.