Another day of not feeling well but I wanted to get a blog post done. I need to keep moving forward and trying to get at least a couple things accomplished during the day no matter how I feel. We can start here…
The meds still aren’t right or still aren’t working right, one of the two. I feel horrible. The good part is I’m feeling things again a little. The bad part is it’s mostly not good feelings. BUT… it’s not been all bad. I’m still having a hard time processing things and trying to function daily. I’m still feeling anti social and exhausted from anxiety, stress, what ever you want to name the monster that constantly haunts me. I’m seeing the doctors fairly often so at least I’ve got their support (I think). They keep assuring me to give it a chance and things will get better. So that’s what I’m doing, my best to push through this bad hoping for some good.
Next up is Dart (my dog). I’ve been working with the vet and they found a better prescription food for Dart than what he’s currently on. So that’s one benefit. The second is that they can set me up with an employee / vip discount that greatly reduces the price. I’m working with the vet and they are working with the food company to see what options there will be for direct donations. This is a vet prescribed medical diet food that can only be obtained through a prescription via a vet. So you can’t just go out to the store and buy this type of food. He’s been on this diet for years with great success. It’s been detrimental in the past trying to give him anything else. In my mind he’s much more important that me because he’s one of the only things that keeps me going on a daily basis. I would suffer greatly before I ever would let him. I truly love him more than life. He’s getting old so I just want to be sure I can give him a good life and keep him healthy. He’s been having some struggles so that greatly worries me now this so I’m a very concerned to say the least.
No movement on the disability front. The lawyers are doing what they do. The government is sending me the same forms in triplicate like they do. No seriously they’ve sent me the same exact letter three times and CC’d my lawyer every time. It’s like we’ve got monkey’s running the disability department. I’m sorry if you work in that sector but damn really. It’s bad enough that I’ve had to wait even this long with a uncurbable neurological and physical disability. I had anxiety problems before this whole thing started. Now it feels like I live in a fractured world. Every day blending and bleeding into the next. It feels like forever has gone by and the end will never come. Even still I keep hoping for the day that this nightmare is over. This is the piece of the puzzle that will greatly help fix a lot of my current problems and allow me to focus on healing instead of surviving.
Survival. That’s a good topic to round up this blog. I’m barely surviving. I haven’t been able to pick up a paint brush or do much beyond well… nothing for a couple weeks. I try most days to get stuff done and mostly fail, but there are days like today where I can find some success. I get one or a few small things done before crashing and not being able to function for the remainder of the day. My energy burns out fast these days. After my normal daily tasks which I typically don’t get all done, I don’t have it in my to do art and painting is almost impossible as I said. The 3D printers aren’t doing much nor is anything else. My hands don’t want to work well. It’s taken me hours just to get this much written out. This will make my hands basically unusable for the remainder of the day. Like most of my body, they are rigid, hurt and extremely weak. I live with massive amounts of pain daily, I’ve mostly gotten use to hurting. I don’t and won’t take pain medication for personal reasons. There may be a day but that isn’t today. I’ve been having a bit better balance but still not great. I’ve got a lot of bad side effects from both the disease and the medication. I’m doing my best but every task is a literal mountain to me. I’ve got high hopes that the medication will eventually get worked out and I will get a little better. The doctors tell me not to get my hopes too far up because my disease is aggressive. I need to keep a good perspective they say and proper expectations. I won’t give up hope… and with that I think we’re full circle.
I still very much appreciate you sticking around and joining me on my journey, even during the not so great times. Much love to you all my friends!