I know this was a long gap between posts. I hope someone still finds interest in these ramblings. Things have been good and not so good. I guess we’ll just jump right into it…
So we’ll start with meds, health, life in general. The new meds might be working?!? Kind of hard to tell. I’m having major issues with memory and my mind working linearly. The good… I feel like I’m sleeping better and I’m less stressed by a tiny bit. I’m able to control my emotions a bit better. Over all in general I feel better… but I also feel worse. I’m having a hard time keeping track of things. I’m getting schedules, times, days, people, everything mixed up. It’s like my brain has kind of slipped off the rails. Even now I’m fighting to keep things straight in my mind. Like the fact that I swore it was Monday and I had a doctors appointment this morning. My time is blending together and I’m having a hard time managing life tasks. Sometimes I’ll catch myself just there blank, not doing anything, don’t know what I was doing or where I was going. It’s kind of scary at times. The other thing is I’m extremely groggy in the mornings. Sometimes throughout the day. It’s odd, a different feeling than being tired but the same kind of… it feels like I’m sort of out of my mind. More of in a confusing way, than in a crazy way. I meet with my Neurologist tomorrow (not today) and will be asking her about things.
Speaking of loosing time… minutes turn into hours, into days, into weeks. It feels like my life is just passing me by and I’m stuck here in this box, mostly alone, unable to leave on my own and unable to care for myself some of the time. Don’t get me wrong. I have hope for a better future but I don’t know if I can keep this up for another 12 to 18 months. That’s how long the next phase of disability determination can take. Even at that point I can still get denied for a 3rd time. I’m honestly scared I won’t make it. I hope I do but… I’m not seeing a path yet. I’ll not stop trying but currently I feel like a punching bag. Beat, bruised, used, abused, confused and in a daze. I live every day wondering if tomorrow might be the better day. That’s seriously no way to live. As it stands I’m having more bad days than not but my hope for something better keeps pushing me. I’d like to live in an actual house again. Eat three meals a day. Have a little security financial and other. Maybe even have a space so I can continue my artistic and 3D printing journey. Until then I’m just stuck with a mountain of uncertainty.
I did get to spend some time with a friend Chase. He gave me a purty cool kind of pro yoyo. I’m still trying to learn a bind to make it come back, it’s not the standard tug and it comes back yoyo. Challenging but fun, excited to get a couple lessons. That day we worked on rebuilding my two oldest 3D printers. The Photon and the Photon S. Compared to my current printers, those are like sedans and mine are like sports cars. Once rebuilt they will get you where you need to be, just not in style as fast. I’m donating them both to Chase. One for him to test printing parts for custom yoyo’s and two for the church that helped me out. Hoping Chase can show off how it works to the youth and maybe they can make things. I don’t know how it’s all going to go but in the end we were missing four parts that brought the show to a stop. I messaged the lovely girl from overseas who’s been helping me. She said she would try to locate and send the last four parts so we can finally get these old guys up and running. I did go through my toy collection and donated a huge box of Hot Wheels and some other things to the church. I just want to give back a little for the generosity and kindness they have shown. It also makes me feel good that I can still give back somehow.
That was about the biggest highlight since this last blog post. Other then that, it’s just been very challenging. Trying to keep up with life seems to be getting harder and harder. I have no where to turn but to myself. It’s unfortunate things aren’t going better with the new meds but progress was made. It feels like a step forward in some areas and a step back in others. I just have to learn how to manage a bit better. I’m having a heck of a time managing between all the doctors, lawyers, specialists, friends, customers and general life tasks… For once I wish I had someone to help with all this which would let my mind rest. I don’t and it can’t so until then I just have to manage. I don’t know how, but I do and I guess I’ll find a way.
This one may seem repetitive, confusing or other… that’s because it’s how I’m feeling right now. There are moments of clarity and then in my mind it’s trudging through mud again.
Speaking of Dart hasn’t been doing well. He’s on meds but has deteriorated a bit. The vet couldn’t find a cause. I’ve been a bit extra stressed because of it. It’s super hard to even write about because if I loose him, I loose my only companion. He’s honestly the core of what keeps me going. I’d like to do more but just can’t expect the vet to do everything for free. Between him and everything else it’s feeling a bit overwhelming.
I’m so foggy but I want to say more since it’s been so long… but I keep trying to write and nothing is coming to mind. I don’t know if I’m having a blank out moment or my days are just that boring. Honestly I think I’m either still adjusting to the new meds or need an adjustment. Since I thought it was Monday and it’s not, I think I’ll take the remainder of the day to rest, spending some time with Dart. I got some DarkSabers ready to send out this morning and that toasted me. I feel like collapsing. A little TV with my little buddy now and hopefully I’ll have some energy to paint this evening. I’m a little behind on my commissions and it’s really bothering me.
I find myself lacking space and resources constantly. This leads to further insecurity and anxiety. That being said I can’t and won’t loose hope. Step by step, day by day. I’ll claw my way forward until I can no longer. Until the next blog post… be safe and MUCH LOVE my friends! Thank you for sticking with me, you are GREATLY appreciated!