Yeah I know it’s been about 4 days. I just haven’t been able to write lately due to a few things. First and foremost my depression is back and it’s not good. I’m feeling the weight, anxiety and stress in extreme levels. What does this do? Many things. It exacerbates the symptoms of my Parkinson’s greatly. I get insomnia fairly bad. My pain levels go up. My body, most specifically my hands become sore, rigid and very hard to use. My mind gets foggy, confused and tasks get extremely difficult. Why you ask? Because when I’m anxious, stressed, depressed or similar my medications don’t work correctly. So I end up in a bad spot physically which makes my mind start to break down further. What can be done? I just have to find a way to stress less and like a broken record until I have some form of income or security I’m basically f-d.
I’m trying hard to move forward. It’s been a very difficult week both mentally and physically. I’ve been unable to paint a lot due to my hands not working well. I’m lucky because this morning they are killing me but moving better. I’m taking advantage of the situation and getting some writing done. I have no idea what I’m going to do overall or in the long run. I try my best to stay positive but this is like a never ending negative cycle. Mind gets worse, body gets worse, and it keeps going down until I break, staying in bed for days. I suspect my hands are working better this morning because I took a nice big dose of Melatonin before I went to bed last night and only woke up a couple time compared to many many times in a single night. Lack of sleep really doesn’t help and I have been sleeping horribly. What am I going to do for relief or where am I going to find that income/security. I don’t know… I don’t think anyone else does either.
Social security disability has gone no where. That’s always a great feeling. Even with lawyers I don’t seem to be gaining any traction and if I am, they aren’t telling me. Doctors are about the same. It’s hurry up and wait with everything. Problem is I don’t have the time.
I don’t feel like I’m getting all the medical care I need. My doctors just kind of shuffle me in and out. I have a nurse that stops by and chats once a week. It seems like every time I see them it’s the same repetitive conversation about how things aren’t right and we’re going to do all this stuff. Either it doesn’t get done or usually seems like a waste of time. I’m not smart enough medically to know what I need. I have no advocate and it’s getting increasingly harder to navigate the medical world. I have no idea what I’m going to do yet. It’s frustrating.
I know the overall tone of my blogs has been negative. I know I’m not posting as much. I’m not talking about life as much. It’s because I’m not doing much. I haven’t been gaming. I’ve been chasing issues on the new replacement printer. Painting and doing art when I can. I sleep most days and then don’t feel very well physically or mentally so I tend to get little done. I’m having hard time keeping up with cleaning. Trying to keep my medical stuff straight. Dealing with lawyers and another world I don’t understand. I don’t get out of the house hardly ever. It’s numbing and maddening. I find myself lonely and depressed a lot. Right now the depression is at an all time high. I’m pushing through the best I can and trying to put on a happy face. I now know that deep down that sadness won’t go away until I find some security and destress. As long as I have that anxiety of the insecurity, I don’t think things can get much better. My bank account was again negative this past week until I sold some resin prints that didn’t turn out how I wanted. I also had to sell some more of my collection. I’ve now got a little money but that will be gone in just a few days. I’ve got life essentials, bills (what little I can still pay) and one medication that insurance doesn’t pay for… After this next refill, I will no longer be able to afford that medication. Which is the only one that helps me destress, eat, sleep and function better. That’s just fantastic! (sarcasm)
I’m having a hard time finding a positive side. I have reconnected with an old friend. He’s been there to at least support me verbally and help facilitate a few nice donations from him and through his church. That was at least a few positives amongst the darkness. I haven’t lost hope or given up. I’m still fighting. I just tend to stay away from others when depressed. I’m always scared that I’ll loose yet another friend because they are uncomfortable or I talk too much about my problems. Well that’s my life friends. Problems. I’m doing the best I can to solve them but just haven’t found that path. I’m trying to make the 3D printer path work but that’s expensive, difficult and time consuming. I’m all for it except the expensive part. I’m again having to choose between doing art / printing / painting / etc and life things to survive. Obviously life wins so instead of buying more resin for the printer. I’ll get one bottle and the rest of what little money I have will go towards medication next week and then my account will be soon in the negative again. The NSF fees are kill me too, yet another sad thing I have to deal with constantly. Life is just challenging right now, I’m trying to step up but stumbling hard.
On that note, going to call this one done for now. My hands are again starting to hurt fairly bad and get rigid. My mind racing and foggy. I get it life, you keep giving me little breaks, can I get a larger one for goodness sake. The holidays are always harder for me not being able to be with any family and just being all alone. Well for now I’m off to rest once again because my mind and hands are shutting down fast. I truly wish you all the best, know that I do appreciate you and much love during the holiday seasons to you, your family and friends!