Yeah I had to delay the blog a day… again. I haven’t been feeling well. Physically or in spirits, but we’ll get to that.
I’ve found myself short on patience lately. I’m starting to feel like all the good has gone away and I’m back to the same old life of fear. I did get some clothing and assistance for awhile. I was getting things off my Amazon list. I was getting care packages and donations. It’s slowed to almost nothing and all the supplies are running out. I’m just lucky I got energy assistance to go through otherwise I’d be in serious trouble. Bank account is again on empty and I’m living in fear. Scared that something will go wrong and next time there won’t be someone there to step up and help out. What happens when I run out of treats for my little guy. It’s the only thing he’s got left. What happens when I start running out of essentials again. What happen, what happen what happen is all the runs through my mind.
Medical update! Not doing so well 🙁 I find myself stressing easy, quick to frustration and sometimes anger. Still trying to fine tune my meds. I don’t get to see the medication specialist until the end of the month. I find myself lacking drive and running out of energy again these days. I’ve slept most of the past two days. I can’t tell if my body is just tired or it’s the stress and anxiety. I called my doctor to see what could be done but she doesn’t want to increase or replace my anxiety medication at this time. So I’m stuck feeling helpless again waiting on doctors. Still living off boost shakes, unable to eat. My apatite did pick up for a bit but I think that was due to all the positivity, happiness and most importantly security. Nothing last forever I guess…
Life update! Things don’t last long do they? I felt like I had a good stock of things and I’m over half way through everything. I still don’t know how I’m going to survive the winter. I’m even more set than I was, thought I was ready. I am not. I feel very unsecure, scared and worry runs rampant through my brain constantly. I’m literally forcing myself to write this and not just go back to bed. I feel like I’m loosing my fight inside. I’ve just been beat down too long, I don’t know what it feels like to succeed any longer. The 3D printer was keeping me busy, positive and wasn’t costing me anything but wasn’t making me anything yet either. More on that next. Hopefully when I get it back, there will be enough of a distraction to make me feel a little better. Many sleepless nights the past week worrying about what if everyone goes away. I’ve lost so many people in so many ways, I’m kind of afraid that everyone will just go and I’ll be stuck in this box alone. That’s a good word for it alone, I feel very alone lately. The lack of social interaction, funds, donations, security lead to feeling sad, depressed and alone. I’ve been trying to do more but either folks just don’t want to talk, are too busy or I lack the energy and drive. I was on a better path, I don’t know what happened, but I hope it turns around soon.
Adventures or the lack there of in 3D printing. The printer is down at the moment. Well, the printer is being sent back and a new one is in route. Should be here within a day or two. It will take me a day to setup and run a test print. Then back to printing hopefully full time. I think the printer is many things. Therapy for my body and mind. A hope that there’s still ways I can make an income with it and the other skills I have. Most importantly it made me feel like I was relevant and useful again… after I got sick it felt like life kicked me to the side and nobody cared. That has since changed, I know there are people that care but still I need something to make me feel relevant in this world. May seem silly but the truth is the truth.1
I’m a worker. I’ll fight through bumps, bangs, falls, scrapes, bruises, massive pain, not feeling well and more. I can’t work in almost any environment. I find that when things got tough, I could always work through it. I feel like I’m starting to loose that and it concerns me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel lost again.
At that I’m going to let my hands and brain rest. My propane always seems to run out in the middle of the night leaving for a very difficult morning of switching tanks. So time to go change that and warm up. Plus I had a breaker pop twice on me this morning already. No idea what’s up with that but will start investigating ASAP! Well as soon as I find the energy. At that please stay safe out there!. You are all very much appreciated! Much love my friends!!!
Sorry kind of short and scattered but my energy is low and my mind is shattered this morning. I apologize. I’ll try to make an amendment today but we all know how that goes, again I’ll try…