Well… it’s now 3:40am. I woke up at 2:30am because I was cold. I look at the temp of the travel trailer I currently live in and it’s 32 degrees. Not the first time this has happened. So I have to warm myself up enough to make my body work. When it get’s cold my extremities hurt extremely bad. My legs don’t work well. My hands barely move and so much pain. I’m actually typing this in a fair amount of pain. I did get up and turn on the electric space heater, which is not meant for a travel trailer and is fairly dangerous running them in here. BUT I need heat to get bundled up. First time all year I’ve gotten in the “long johns” or thermal unders out and on fast mind you. So bundled up went outside. Definitely freezing temps. It was 29 degrees. Put on my athletic shoes with grip, actually remembered it would be slick instead of just falling. Got out, swapped the propane over. Then got everything turned back on. Started coffee. Gave Dart (my dog) his breakfast and played with him best we could. We were both cold. He’s old and I’m broken. We still got a little play time in though. The sessions don’t last long but it helped to warm us up. Then we cuddled for a few min. Coffee and I now here I sit, it’s about 4am and around 56 degrees. So warm!?!?! Heaters working overtime to get the temp up. I’m deathly afraid that Oregon energy assistance won’t come in time and or the damn old heater is gonna break. I get energy assistance for propane but they are running late this year of course. Pray for me, this winter is going to be a ride I think. Well… that was my morning until now, let’s move on with the blog.
Again yesterday I woke up not feeling well. Just sort of tired, in a lot of pain, frustrated. Did my exercises. Got up and decided to take at morning off to game with UB. It was fantastic. We played something that we normally don’t play. I was learning some cool new stuff. I was actually getting a little testing done on the Cameo in-between, along with a few other things too. It wasn’t bad until it was. I suddenly again crashed out. This time I went way faster. Made it as fast as I could over to the chair and out like a light for a couple hours. Then I got up felt horrible and went back to bed very shortly after. I feel like I’m failing on so many fronts. These sudden crashes I’m having aren’t fun. My sleep schedule obviously isn’t good. I’m still not eating well, thank goodness for the Boost shakes. I’m at a loss as to what I need to do next. I want to learn more about my disease but I need someone to help me do that. For a few reasons I’m having a difficult time with research lately. I think all of the above plus the anxiety, stress and insecurity are causing my mind to not function as well. I blank so easy, lose my place and forget at a moments notice. It’s extremely scary…
I guess with that we can move on to medical. I’m making some calls today and going to try and get referrals to the correct neurologist. One that specializes in Parkinson’s. My nurse even mention not liking my current one. So that gave me even less faith in him. I feel like I’m not getting the proper care medically from my GP and Neuro so I really need to make some changes. At this exact moment I’m basically having a minor anxiety attack, my hands aren’t working well, right leg tremoring and I’m paranoid about my heater. I feel like it’s kicking on and off too much. Anyway, I’m obviously having a bad morning so my mind isn’t working at definitely not working at 100%. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when I’m …. ok let’s side step for a moment.
I just took a drink of my coffee. It was black. I don’t drink my coffee black. I typically add a dash or two of sugar and then the toffee stuff that you might see on my Amazon list (dropKAG.com plug lol). So I stop typing, go over to put the crap in and… this happens. My mind goes blank sort of on blank out auto pilot. So I was basically out of sugar. I have a little left in the bag, but the container is almost empty. I think… hey, let’s just have a little less sugar today and refill it tomorrow. In that period of time I added the little bit of sugar, some toffee stuff while spilling it and then picked up the wrong thing to stir my coffee with. Unless I’m a genius and a zip lock bag is the way to go… WTF! This happens daily, multiple times. I stood there wondering why I was holding the zip lock bag and then picked up a FORK! I swear by this point I again wanted to cry but laughed and then stirred my coffee with a butter knife. What ever works. Seriously sometimes I wonder if I’m just going to forget what breathing is… at this point you can only laugh because well there is no good alternative.
Let’s talk about Dart, my best friend of over 11 years now! He’s a real character and honestly is the number one reason I keep going. He gives some purpose in life. He’s been with me all day every day, with very few exceptions for the last 11 years. My last job at the engineering firm was dog friendly so he went to work with my almost every day. I’m blessed to have had so much time with him. For that reason we have an extremely strong bond. Lately he hasn’t been dong well. My last vet is very kind and let’s me bring him, but it’s a 40 min drive at least each way. Even with huge discounts and some free service my bill has been adding up and is now out of the hundred and into the thousands. They know my situation and do everything possible to help. I was with them for many years and truly love them all very much. The owner is something else. She’s been there for me on so many levels, I can’t even start to display my appreciation for her. Unfortunately he’s getting older. Needing more care. Of course, I’m starting to worry more because he’s has difficulties medically. He’s saved my life on more than one occasion by just being there. He still has good day like me where he plays and wants to go on walks. They are getting less frequent but he’s been doing fairly well. I love him with all my heart, that little guy is my world.
I’ve had a lot of help with my creating. Unfortunately financially I have to now work with the tools and materials that I have because even my survival funds are getting low enough to worry me greatly. That means no creating funds. So when a resource (like paint) runs out or a tool breaks I’m just out of luck for now. Which is ok… I’m more worried about loosing access to the three things that keep my sane and creating in my favorite way. I have a special deal with Adobe that I get their entire creative suite locked in for life at a very discounted price. I’m not going to say publicly but that stuff isn’t cheap and the guy really helped me out. It doesn’t cost more than a nice meal for one each month so I really really want to hang on to that. This website cost $18 a month to run with other very minor random renewals through the year. My stamps.com account, the ONLY way I have to efficiently send things I’ve been selling to survive costs a tiny bit each month. Along with a few other things. Seemingly my needs are small but between trying to survive, create, find an income and the day to day crap it’s just going out faster than it’s coming in… I’m getting to the point where I’m going to start loosing things if I don’t figure things out fast. Fast like a couple weeks. That was a true rant. Sorry for that small section but I had to get if off my chest.
Anyway, it’s about 4:45am now. I’m going to try to get on with my day. Hoping for no body/mind crashes today. It is finally 68 degrees in here so hooray for that… sorry this one was kind of sporadic. Welcome to my life.
I always stay safe out there. Today I’m gonna say do something nice for someone. Buy somebody a coffee, or lunch, open a door, help someone carry something, do something PERSONAL to help someone in a small way. One small action can be huge to someone else. Obviously stay safe but help just one person today in person if you get the chance. As always you know I appreciate you my friends. Much loves!