This is a late one! I rarely do night entries because I’m either tired AF, foggy or already sleeping close to this hour. Yeah I hit the sheets really early normally. I just don’t have the energy anymore to go for long periods of time. So here I am awake, about to take some sleepy time pills so I don’t really mess up my schedule by staying up all night.
So I guess we can start with some bad. I have two broken rotary tool wands. Expensive to replace. The wand extensions for standard dremel type tools just don’t work well for long periods of time. So I had to sell some things from the collection to buy a purpose build wand rotary tool. A bit more expensive than a replacement wand but it won’t break… So that really sucked. Today my paper guillotine finally took a crap and stopped cutting in the middle. It was an antique rusted piece of junk when I got it, so I’m surprised it’s worked as well as it has for this long. I wasted a lot of time trying to fix it and ruined some decals in the process 🙁 Now it’s going to be $70 to $100 to replace. I swear… I just can’t catch a break. On top of that I’m in panic sell mode because funds are getting critically low as in almost zero and I’m in need of several things.
That brings us to our next topic I suppose. Income has slowed to almost nothing and that’s not good. It’s got me in panic and depressed mode again. I’m trying to stay creative but stress is the main killer in my creative process. The depression just adds to my being tired from Parkinson’s so that doesn’t help either. Plus the negative feelings. I’m trying to push through, but with winter coming and all my tools to create breaking… I’m about to break. I try to save my funds best as possible so I can survive but to make any money I have to create, but to create I have to have tools and supplies which cost money. It’s a viscous cycle that I can’t even get started because everything keeps breaking or failing on me. Yes as you can tell I’m extremely frustrated. Nothing seems to be going right or as planned and I’m at my breaking point. At this point I just don’t know what to do anymore. Starting to feel lost.
At that lets move on… meds and health next. For the most part I’m doing ok. My weight is a major concern. These boost shakes have been helping but I can’t afford to keep buying them unfortunately. I assume it’s stress or anxiety related but I just don’t feel hungry and haven’t been able to eat well (if at all). Then there’s the loss of my pain relief. I refuse to take pain pills and my source for marijuana concentrate is no longer available. I don’t really smoke flower, it seems to be harder on my lungs/throat. I can’t afford the actual stores because they upcharge of course. So I’ve been taking it really easy, light doses of concentrate to try and make what I have last as long as possible. Without concentrate or pills my pain is going to shoot up from a 5 or 6 on a 10 scale to an 8 or more most likely. I’m scared to see what happens when I run out. Currently looking for a new source but that’s hard when I can’t leave the property I stay on to go socialize, in order to find another source. Other then that still feeling out this latest medication change we made several days ago now. I seem to be responding well to the change but there’s still something off so I guess we’ll be trying another adjustment. I asked for a referral to a new neurologist specializing in Parkinson’s. The PA confused me on the phone, I asked for one thing and I think he did another but we’ll see. I didn’t feel like questioning it because I just don’t like talking to him for some reason. I got a referral but not to who I wanted so… yeah I don’t know on that one. I’ll be happy when my doctor is back in and when this pandemic shit is over. I’m just not getting the proper care, exercise or socialization that I so desperately need. So some good, a bit more bad. Working on it like everything else it’s exhausting.
I felt decent this morning but that went bad quick. After a kind of great morning video chat with a very great new friend. I had OT which kicked my ass because it’s now more like PT now. Then I had to try and fix my antique guillotine paper cutter, failed. Very sad about that. Then I swapped out propane tanks in the rv I stay in… that almost killed me. By that time I was finished with that task, I felt like death. So I got some food in me sat down and that was it. I was out like a light sometime between 2:30 and 4:30 I think. Things got really foggy this afternoon and my mind went dull. So I don’t remember much.
Which brings us to our last section for this update. I don’t know the cause but my symptoms are out of control. Tremors and inside explosive feelings are way worse. I’ve been getting foggy and completely forgetful more frequently and more randomly. My balance has been total crap. I’ve taken several decent falls in the last week. Hurt myself a couple times but mostly keep that stuff to myself. Unless I fall and I can’t get up, which is scary but I carry my phone everywhere in case I need to call a friend for help. Overall I’m happy but also anxious, frustrated and extremely scared again for my well being and loosing all quality of life. Life isn’t great now but it’s good enough. If I loose the little quality I do have I just don’t know… that seems to be the biggest issue lately my brain is shutting down. I just keep thinking I just don’t know anymore. I think between the lawyers, the doctors and everything, on top of the stress and anxiety of trying to survive daily is finally maybe possibly broken me a bit. I’m only partially prepared for winter and it’s basically here so I’m kind of f-d in that area. I always assume it’s going to get worse before it get’s better, which is honest and usually the case. Things are definitely not good but if they get worse, I just don’t know what I’ll do…
So yeah on that note before my mind starts to tailspin out of control. I’m gonna hit the sleepy time meds, eat a small snack if I can and then hit the sheets. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, I can at least hope. Be safe out there and much love my friends.