So it’s 4am.. well 5am now. I woke up just before 4am, tight chest, mind racing. Yeah that’s always fun. I know why… I’ve put myself into a tailspin worrying about income again. Things have slowed and now with a project running there’s money going out but not coming in. I pray this project goes well because I truly need the income. It costs me $50 a month for software subscriptions to create. So as long as I’m making a couple hundred a month, that get’s me my software, extra food and essentials. So like 200 to 300 would be decent living for me. That doesn’t count extras like random life expenses, which do occur even for me and it hurts bad when they do. Overall not too bad… I think/hope I can keeping that moving forward. I just need to figure out how to make that consistently with less fear or build a financial buffer (not likely). I’ve now got some tools to create with a free 3D printer on the way. I know I need to be concerned but not worry. It’s a fine line to walk and it sucks trying to discern if I’ve gone to one side or I’m still walking the line. In the end, I just want to hang on to what I have left and be able to at least keep creating. Supplies and software cost extra money so I fear soon I’ll have to choose living over creating. That’s the what I’m truly afraid of… until now my quality of life has been fairly good. I also now have fairly low standards these days. So today I think about the next way I can bring in an income with such few resources. Scared AF but challenge accepted.
Yeah scared is something I’d like to talk about. My life is currently fear driven. I have no security and for anyone with any sense of responsibility will understand that just doesn’t work in someone who thinks like me. I can tell I’m starting to fracture under the pressure. I’m making less than optimal decisions, meds don’t seem to be working as well, a bit depressed and having more frequent negative days. I will continue my best to try and keep a positive attitude. I can tell that’s fading too but I’ll find a way… or I guess die trying.
Med changes are still kicking in… feeling better but still not good. I think the med changes were positive at this point. Which could change after a week but for now, so far so good. I also think my stress and anxiety are getting the better of me again. Which is causing other things to not work as well. Ever see something balanced on something else in a way that you think “Oh that’s crash and fall”… that’s my mind/body right now. I’m looking at myself just wondering if and when that will happen. Living in fear is not fun.
Speaking of crash and fall. I took a couple spills over the last week. Haven’t really talked about them or that aspect of my life in general because it’s mostly minor balance issues and falls. I took a hard one recently. Walked out on the deck and started down the little ramp we built. Yep not meant for shoes with no grip and moisture on the surface. I went down like a sack of potatoes. I’m sure it was funny AF to watch but it was not fun to experience. I wish I had it on video for a million likes. Luckily I didn’t hurt myself too bad but note to self, need to get a new pair of athletic shoes that have better grip on the soles. So yeah I frequently loose my balance and either run into things, trip and have a hard time or fall. Sometimes no big deal, sometimes it’s a hospital trip. Such is life with Parkinson’s.
Well where to go from here, yesterday wasn’t really productive but I got a little done. Made some decals, cleaned up a bit, made some posts, talked to a few folks and that’s mostly it. I’ve been trying to take it easy in order to recharge a bit. Today, heck I dunno. Going to game now. Have to force myself to change propane tanks before I freeze. Need to sit down and make a better list to keep preparing for winter. Update my Amazon list and about a million other things. On that note of anxiousness, I think it’s time to get my day started.
Thanks for following my random postings of random thoughts. That’s what I should have called it lmao! You are greatly appreciated! Stay safe out there and MUCH LOVE my FRIENDS!