I made a post yesterday that stated… (on FB where this Blog started)
“Almost 2 years of fighting, unable to work, hardly able to function, have an aggressive form of Parkinson’s and I’m on tons of meds… disability denied. I want to just die right now. I’m totally fucked…”
Let me explain while I’m still cognitively able do so this early morning.
I saw comments that were motivating, educational, relating and more. Thank you and you are all appreciated. 
Simply put i can’t do those things. I have a difficult time making coffee, walking to the bathroom, just getting up after a fall… of which I have many. I get foggy. Can’t think right sometimes and get confused easy. Yes I have good days and I can function better at times but mostly not. I no longer have the strength or ability to navigate these confusing processes that all cause more stress and lead to seemingly nothing. I honestly just can’t do it.
Stress is a huge factor in my disease. After I got diagnosed I literally lost my entire life. I wasn’t acting right or making good decisions because Iack of medication / stress. Immediately after my diagnosis my company (family of sorts) just let me go with basically nothing after almost 10 years. I lost my house. I lost my cars. I lost most everything in my life. I actually got to keep very little of what was me. I lost my life. I’m still not on a good medical regime, it’s a constant battle. That was just the beginning of the stress and hell to come.
But they are just things you might say? Give all your “things” up and loose your abilities to make an income, have all the things you’ve worked years for taken away. THEN tell me they are just things. When it’s your entire life being ripped away then you realize what having the simplist of “things” means.
I chose to take what would be of most use and a collection of different things that I truly loved. The collection I could also make me money selling of which I’ve done a lot of…
I worked hard, far beyond my capabilities to make my life here that I have now. After my life crashed, I spent most of my money on a half way broken down trailer and a storage building because that was all I could afford. I’ve live on my friends property using his utilities, rent free, eating food and to be honest probably being a general nuisance. I don’t feel good about this. He doesn’t have the extra really and who wants me living on the side of their house. Not to mention this isn’t really a good quality of living. If I had funds to maintain things maybe it could be better but I don’t and it’s not.
I then contacted the appropriate agencies, found that if you have children or are elder they have programs for you! If you’re a middle aged single man you get nothing. I’ve gone to countless appointments for two years almost. Paid for rides and related expenses out of pocket with money I didn’t have. Get a tiny bit of money for food from the state and the rest comes out of pocket. So after two years I get a few bucks for food.
Now it’s not a total shit show. Oregon has OHP programs that pay for the vast majorly of my medical bills and that’s huge. They don’t pay for other expenses but at any point I always take what I can get in fear that I may not get that opportunity again. Problem with OHP is it’s in Oregon and my family is in Iowa and Florida. If I leave Oregon Ioose my benefits. That would be extremely detrimental to my health. Staying here I have l little help and just a few friends left. It’s a bad situation either way unless I could combine the two which doesn’t seem possible.
So here I sit fighting to survive. Most of my real life friends have abandoned me along with over half of my online friends. Two friends help me as much as possible but they have limited capabilities. I’ve sold large sections of my collection privately. In all honesty I’ve even bought a few things because I’d let go of so much I figured I deserved to have a nice thing every now and then. Even if I sold everything it would only get me a few months further at best and selling things takes time. Also! Many people aren’t buying because the world has gone to literal shit.
Over the course of the past couple years, I’ve depleted my funds. Not wanting to but doing so anyway I’ve ran two fund raisers for living expenses. I recently sold another high end portion of my collection to help start projects to get my life back on track. I’ve been told time and time again by doctors and specialists that I’m not in a good place medically or mentally. My higher level cognitive abilities are not working correctly for a lack of better terms, along with countless other things. Yes I know these things already because I live them… if you want to know the truth I’m alive but not truly living. I’m just barely surviving.
Again, I no longer have my vehicles, nor can I currently drive due to medical reasons. I can’t leave the property on my own very far without massive anxiety and fear. What if I get dizzy, fall, forget where I am, etc… Now I can’t even leave this trailer because of the smoke / poor air quality. Dart my lil dog, my best friend who is my only companion is not well and I can’t properly take care of him. My stress is so bad it’s debilitating. My meds aren’t working as well due to recent events. I don’t have the means to get proper physical exercise and rehabilitation. I can’t afford food for a full month. I can’t afford to buy life essentials any longer. My life although kind of a living hell was bearable because…
I’ve worked hard trying to setup a new life. Line myself up to live again and try to be successful. Gain back the pride I’ve lost. Gain back some of the abilities to do I things, heck maybe even drive again (probably not). I put everything into one basket giving myself a chance for a better life and better quality of life. Then it all came crashing down yesterday. Disability Denied.
Take time and reset you say, things will work out, just get a lawyer, my (insert person here) has fought for ( insert time here) and hasn’t gotten it. Etc etc etc… I get it, it’s not easy but that’s not comforting at all…
Here is the point of which you all need to know. I don’t have time to reset. I don’t have the money to wait on a lawyer. I already feel like a freeloader. I don’t want to run any more fund raisers and take from others. Hell I felt bad starting a third fund raiser for simply art supplies so I could have an outlet, therapy and feel like I had a life. I was also very close to a seemingly positive disability determination which would have given me the abilities to actually start a new life not just survive in fear.
So yes I’m now very upset. Yes I’m now depressed. I can’t eat, I feel sick constantly. No I don’t want to talk about it. AND yes I’ve finally lost my determination to survive. No I don’t want to live this life any longer. If the suffering is just going to get worse and there is no immediate assistance there is no point to life. That’s pretending like I even have one… so judge me how you will. Walk a mile in my shoes and you will understand. Some of you have and some of you do, I appreciate those who actually understand 
With that I say cruel world I had fun you win, I give up… do with me what you will.
#parkinsonsdisease