Well it’s Monday morning. I made it through the weekend. It wasn’t fun. There were some ok times but it’s been a living hell since Thursday basically. Since the denial from disability I haven’t been able to control my emotions or body as well. The smallest situations seems to throw me way out of control. Yes, I get very depressed at times. Yes, sometimes I’d rather not be alive. Seriously… at points in a persons life when it’s hard to see any hope, you live in pain and fear, it can feel like there is no point. I go through these episodes when something triggers it. I’m slowly figuring out medically what’s happening to my body by documenting. I’m going to discuss it with the professionals to see if we can figure out why this is happening. All that being said, as I’ve said many times before, I would never harm myself as I love life too much. I want to live, I want to survive, I want to find that better quality of life and maybe return to working on a limited basis but those are just some of the massive challenges ahead of me.
So I’m going to summarize the past week and a few days more, I’m a bit foggy right now. I think all this started last Friday. You’re not going to get names yet because I can’t hardly remember my own and I just met these people. I’ve had a nurse type woman come visit me twice. She’s 7 days younger than me, very nice and helped me in a few ways both times she was here. The best way she helped is her attitude. She’s literally the BEST person for me to be around right now so I’m grateful for her. I had a social worker come by, it was the standard stuff. He’s working on a few things from his end as is the nurse. To help me with some of my smaller problems. I had my initial in home PT visit, they picked me up for a few weeks. I had my first actual PT visit, it was easy, short, simple. So it was great. What he’s given me to do for exercise has helped a bit both in destressing and stretching. I lost my source for my marijuana extract / concentrate / dabs / shatter / wax / honey oil / what ever you might call it and I’m currently searching out another. I use a concentrate marijuana extract that has both CBD and THC to help ease my stress, anxiety and most importantly pain. The alternative is pain pills and I’d rather put a gun to my head (not literally). Oh and I had my physical last week which everything besides what’s wrong which is great I guess!?! 😆
I think that’s the medical type ish summary from Friday before last until end of the past week. That’s when things went horribly wrong. I started having insomnia middle to end of the week. After a few days I felt like I was going nuts and things kinda spun out of control. As I mentioned I do have problems controlling my emotions. Partly due to the disease, partly due to stress/anxiety. I was also feeling stressed and overwhelmed with all the new people. They are great but it’s a lot for my mind to handle. Anxiety and pain had me by the man candies (ball/nuts) and I just couldn’t do anything to make it better at the time. That being said there were several small thing at the end of the week which really put me in a bad place too. It was I don’t want to be alive weekend at the start and got better as the weekend passed. Now don’t wanna be alive doesn’t mean I’m going to take my life. Again I love life, I’ll never stop trying, even when I act like a bitch and get whiney. I did figure out something new things/info medically that might help my doc figure out how to prevent these episodes from happening but we shall just have to wait and see.
As for other things. I’ve been painting, designing and a couple days played a few video games. I’ve been working on my other possible forms of income support. Things feel like they are moving so slow but I know things take time. Time is something I just don’t have. I’m still able to breath for a couple months but after that I just don’t know yet. I can only hope I figure something out. I’ve been slowly learning the new Cameo machine and I’m excited for the rest of the supplies to get here so I can get started making things. I’ve got a Halloween run of art collectable resin Skadballs being cast right now so those are coming very soon! I’m finishing up my tampos for a figure I designed (for an actual collectable toy line). I’m sure there’s more but the morning is passing fast and my mind is loosing focus. I’ll try to do a better creative update soon, today or tomorrow.
As for what’s next, sending out more paperwork to the advocates / lawyers today for an appeal of my disability denial. Today I have a OT coming this afternoon. I have to run errands mid morning with the help of a friend, which will probably drain me. Gotta call the doctor and then try to get one or two other things knocked off this ever growing list.
To end… basically what’s happening right now is I’m scared. I don’t have the ability to care for myself 100% of the time. I’m having some major medical events / problems. My meds aren’t working as well seemingly due to maybe stress/anxiety. So yeah I’m scared as to how I’m going to survive without having to keep begging for money because no matter how much I appreciate the support, I hate asking for financial help when I know other people have problems too… but you are all truly the best and I love you for it! The support has been beyond amazing!
With that we’ll call this one done. I’m feeling a big foggy. Going to relax for an hour before trying to get showered and ready for errands ugg… KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!!
You are all appreciated. Feel free to contact me privately to conversate. Much love and be safe everyone! 🧡
#parkinsonsdisease