Well… another sleepless night. I ended up getting about an hour of sleep. It’s either I can’t sleep / insomnia or I’m so extremely tired I’m passing out during the day. I missed dinner the last few days because I’ve either been too tired to eat or just feeling sick about everything. I’m the worry type, unless things are good I’m not. The days are starting to blend together and I’m feeling a bit insane. With all this new action, it’s a lot for me. Good mostly but a whole lot to deal with and handle. I have no one by my side physically so I’m feeling very overwhelmed even though most of this is positive in nature.
Preparing for winter… what a challenge. I’m afraid these days that I’ll forget to do something, not have the time or that something is just going to straight up fail. I envy those who actually get to live in a real structure meant to be lived in long term. Living in a travel trailer honestly kind of sucks. It’s great for those who have the energy, ability, money and time. I have basically none of those things. I’ve watched this poor thing degrade over the last year. I’ve got many problems I can’t fix now, especially alone. Don’t have the funds to fix the problems. Even if I do fix the problems there are many other challenges. I don’t have fully working plumbing. I basically have clean water from a 5 gallon machine and a hole to pee in. I have to go inside to do anything else, like for instance brush my teeth or basically anything… with even walking being a challenge sometimes that can be very daunting. I can’t really cook and I’m not very good at preparing meals so that’s a massive challenge. I’m constantly fighting the electrical system. Again, not meant to be a permanent living structure, the electrical is not near as strong as an actual home. There are many setbacks and challenges. I need to replace two outlets and a breaker currently and that’s over $100 I think or more 😕. I also need to prepare the roof for winter of which I’m scared to do (balance/energy) and don’t have the supplies or again funds. My refrigerator keeps going in and out so that’s great. No idea what I’m going to do about that… I had A/C but that unit will be dead by next summer. This summer killed it, need to have it looked at but again funds. Without A/C on a 70 degree day this trailer can get over 85 degrees inside. It’s a heat box. In the winter just as bad… It takes propane and space heaters to keep it warm. Again a huge stress on the electrical. I need to add an access doors to the surround but don’t have the knowledge or ability to do that. It’s also a super pain in the ass to heat and cool even though this is an “insulated winterized” model. It takes far more power and energy/effort than an actual home to live in… I’ve basically put lipstick on a pig to fool myself into thinking I’m safe when I’m really not in a good situation. BUT it’s a roof over my head and at least for now it’s dry and mostly warm/cool. I’ve made it as comfortable as I can afford.
Well after that hot mess of an anxiety attack I’m kind of at a loss of what to talk about lastly. Today brings new challenges. I have to try and get some maintenance done. I have yet another social worker type person coming to see me today. I’ll try to post about that later. I think right now I’m going to drink my coffee, dream about biscuits and hamburger gravy, and try to play some video games to warm up these stiff painful hands.
Things I need to work on today. Again maintenance. Need to work on a new design to keep that motivation going. Need to try and paint a little, a friend commissioned me to paint a vinyl figure for him. It’s been great exercise for my hands. I need to work on building my Kickstarter and Patreon. I need to do laundry and clean. I need to watch more videos, tutorials and learn more about using the Cameo 4 so I can start some new projects, hopefully to make some actual income. Well… let’s see how much I actually get done on this incomplete list. I’m constantly forgetting something so the list is much larger than this… overwhelming uggg. and I’ve already remembered 3 other things so I’ll stop here and just see where the day takes me. Oh and to some that may not seem like a lot but even getting two of those tasks done would be amazing for me. I just can’t function mentally or physically on the level that most can…
So lots of good things, lots of bad things. It’s a slow race to see if I can survive. At that I hope you are all surviving well through these hard times. If I can stay strong you can too. Good things are coming I can feel it… honestly I can’t let myself feel any other way or I’ll fail. So at this point I’m gonna promise another update tonight if I’m not passed out. – Edit forgot I have to change the propane tanks also and have a friend take me to get the current ones filled. Uggg.
Much love to you all and be safe ❤️
#parkinsonsdisease