The crap I write. Still don’t know what to call this.
This is not going to be a positive post so if you want good feels, please move on and don’t read this one.
I’ll keep it short. I got to play some video games this morning. Wasn’t feeling the normal joy. I assume it’s because yesterday was rough, I woke up feeling worse. Things are moving slow, I’m finding it hard to keep up with everything, feeling overwhelmed, just a constant feeling of pending doom. As the day went on things just continued to degrade. At this point not feeling great at all. I’m still very grateful for all the good things that have happened. I still have a tiny bit of breathing room but just not enough. I’m finding myself lacking resources and with no income it’s just going to get worse. I’m tired of begging for monetary assistance. It makes me feel terrible. I’m so busy with trying to just survive that I have little time or energy to create. Also with all these new complications and stresses, it’s really hinders being creative / the creative process.
I’ve been selling portions of my collection, mostly privately. At the same time I’m buying a few select things here and there hoping it will help ease the pain. I also put up a few display items from the collection hoping it will help decrease the anxiety of loosing even more of the life I worked hard to build. It’s hard to sell the last things you own, the things you love most. I know… just things but again, let me have all your things and see how it feels. Not good. Even selling is slow and won’t keep me afloat at this point.
Every day brings a new need, challenge, road block, stress, anxiety and more. I do what I can but know it’s not yet going to be enough to survive for any extended length of time. So here I sit thinking about all the things I’m still physically and mentally able to do but unable to afford the ability to do them, as in things to create income… meaning no income. Selling the last bit of my life off pieces at a time isn’t fun. The only thing that’s kept me even partially sane is the fact that selling is allowing me to pick up some select things I’ve wanted and also gain funds to survive. Still even if I sold it all, it won’t get me far so I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels and loosing more of what little I have left.
With that… here I sit. Feeling a bit broken and alone. Tomorrow’s another day, hopefully better, most likely not.
I appreciate all of you and everything you do and have done. Much love and be safe
#parkinsonsdisease